drink some of this

allegorically (and in a sense, alchemically), the
buttresses did nothing but wish they were
ceilings. in unison they denounced their
'down to earth' attributes, with hopes of being
exonerated like the roof seemed to be.
futilely utilizing the craftsman's
grooves to catch the rain, as it shot from the
heavens and was trampled under hooves.
"I AM NOT WHAT I AM!" those props shouted in
jest, and a poor jest at that. the man in
khaki slacks was taken aback to hear the
lovely struts speak. he spat, "where are your
manners? be grateful for your place and do
not attempt to assuage the importance of your duty.
or have you forgotten your function too?"
"performing a perfunctory purpose as this,"
quipped the buttresses, "is raw shit!"
riddled with self effacement, they would not be
saved from their depression. the man's pride
trounced the desire to give unheeded advice.
underneath the ego, all things are allowed to feel
virtually worthless. even though they aren't.
"whither wander you? you sloven spirits with
xenolithic habits and habitats? don't
you see what use you have in this life? are you a
zebra or just a horse with stripes?"

Favors, Do Yourself One: On the Advantages of Professional Nude Modeling

I’m sure by now most of us who wanted to have seen the recent photographs of Scarlett Johannson. Some detectives have gone so far as to even study the wallpaper of the room she was in and deduce which hotel the infamous snapshots were taken in. Although my instant reaction was unbridled joy, I’ve had time to rethink my opinion on the matter. 

I struggle to understand why female celebrities have the urge to take nude photos of themselves. You’d think with their status, and with the knowledge that their personal devices are targets for hacking, that the would have the wherewithal to consider the possibility of these photos being leaked - if not by hackers then by those who receive them. I certainly applaud their initiative and I will defend to the death their right to take said nudey pics, but its just not in their best interest and you’d think they’d know that. 

That quibble aside, if they are planning on exposing themselves for the cameras, you’d think they’d have the decency to let a professional photographer do the work, and then sell the pictures to a respectable publication like Playboy. They can take home early proofs to show to whomever they were going to show them to originally, make lots and lots of money, be considered “brave” for making such a decision by certain critics, while still making fanboys exceedingly erect. In the business, we call that a win-win-win-win, or a quad-win. 

Rarely is it the case when a self-taken picture looks good. I have to admit that I do derive quite a bit of stimulation from the picture that has launched the “Johannsoning” meme, but the other picture of her laying on her side is not doing her bosom any favors whatsoever. Again, you’d think that a person who has been photographed hundreds, if not thousands, of times would understand a few principles of photography, not to mention the fact that she undeniably looked at those pictures before she sent them away.

So, famous chicks, if you’re going to take some naked pictures then have the common courtesy to take a few dozen before deciding on which ones to keep. They’re not all winners.

I think an important thing to take away from this is what it really says about Ms. Johannson. At the end of the day we can see that she is not so different from you and I. We all want our significant others to see our sleek and majestic revealed figures, we want to tantalize our lovers with desire. Just because she’s a movie star doesn’t mean she’s not simply a lady after all.

16 Notes

  1. kitnfartz said: posing for playboy screams of desperation, at least in this scenario it seems accidental and the notoriety that goes along with that does her more favors. but yeah, the boob picture sucks. no natural breast looks good at that angle.
  2. inversefunction posted this